Communication – Talking to be heard

Sharing what's in your head

Hello son – this one is simple.

65% of communication is non-verbal physical actions.

25% is the tonal inflection you add to verbal communication.

10% are the words that you choose. This part is about the words that you use – the other portions of communication are harder to fine tune; they are ingrained from childhood and before.

This is to help you communicate (and this applies to coworkers, lovers, friends, wives, X’s, space monkeys, loan officers, law enforcement and more) with anyone who uses air to communicate. It even works for girls and children.

1. Be honest – say only the truth. Don’t bend the facts to make the situation look different or favorable.

2. Keep it short – say only what needs to be said. Understood?

3. Allow the other person to do the same – they get to talk as well. Then go back to #1.

Once you both are done, then move past #4 as required.

4. About Emotions (tears, anger and other emotions are something you have after you have done the above, NOT as a substitute for being honest, keeping it short or allowing the other person to talk. Get it? They come up in communication; leave them alone when following the first 3 steps.

Follow those simple steps and you will do well with your communication – in any communication. Memorize them until you can follow them. There is no need for a more complicated communication model.

Was that honest and short enough? Your turn. Love you.

Dreams

Gustave Doré illustration to the 1884 edition of Edgar Allan Poe's The Raven: Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.

Dreams are something that you can have while asleep; but that is not what I am talking about. Dreams can happen as daydreams; wishes, hopes, thoughts of something other than what you are doing right then! I am not talking about that either.

Here are the dreams I have heard you say in the first 16 years of your life;

• Be an Archeologist or Paleontologist
• Travel right after school by motorcycle (in India buying matching Royal Enfields) or in Spain (solo on your own).
• Be an engineer, designing aircraft. You have already tailored your classes to this.
• Fly your own Huey UH-1.

Dreams are what keeps us moving forward, hanging on and getting stuck. Time changes the person while a dream may remain. Dreams are the plan for something else.

Here is a life lesson I have learned and will pass it onto you the way I saw it. Until you were 8, we lived aboard Kalakala. Every day we would walk up and down the dock and see boats that sat; virtually abandoned. My first impressions were “how sad that they hang onto these boats – they should sell them for someone else to enjoy”. I would later come to see these abandoned boats as dreams in stasis. Every so often I would meet a boat owner who came to visit their interned vessel and I would listen to their story. Against all reason they hung onto the boat, paying thousands of dollar a year in slip fees alone. They would come down, clean it, open the hatches, start the engine (perhaps) and sit in the cockpit. The boat was no longer an object of use; family, work, lifestyle, time and other commitments had long eroded away at the vessel as surely as the weather. Yet, the boater has hung on and performed this lone, infrequent ritual of visitation. The reason for this ritual is because of the dream – and the boat is not the dream, but rather, the catalysis for the dream of the things that the visitor has so longed to do. The dream was about life and desire.

The dream is something that keeps us going. It allows us to be open to change yet can also keep us tied to things. I am not suggesting the boat owner sell his dream – rather, that boat owner confirmed to me, that perhaps, you should invest more into your dream.

5th time 'round

Take a look at your dreams and ask yourself if you are giving them what they need to be enjoyed. Do not sink your dreams or leave them tied up ‘waiting for the day’. Instead, take your dreams out, open them up and make them your life.

Now you know how your Albertain born, prairie raised father became a life long sailor. Now you know why I raised you on-board a boat and why I was a stay at home dad. It is the dream of what you can (and do) that keeps us dreaming Now you know why I live my life the way I do and have so many things to still do. I make my dreams real.

Dream and then follow the dream. Time goes by to fast and we do not live long enough to just visit the boat on the dock and dream.

Jumping – a poem by my son

Jumping

I once jumped off a ledge

To see if gravity still held its edge

And I soon found that gravity still held its pledge

On the way down I had a thought

What if the ground forgot?

But I figured it held true to its plot

I only got one shot

And I wasted it on a bet.

- Jan. 2010 – just age 15

Forgiveness

Ah, the ultimate common link in all religions and philosophies is forgiveness. It is the practice of forgiveness that takes time to learn.

Stop right here and read “Control“.

Now that you are back; control is just two things:

1. Regulating the information that comes in and your emotional feelings about that information.
2. Regulating your reactions to what goes out as a result of the information.

It’s what happens, inside your head. You make the choice how to hold memories and past experiences.

Someone has wronged you or hurt you, someone used you or tricked you. These are the actions caused by another person, with intent or without. Things happen and sometimes there seems no reason for them. Sometimes a hurt makes no sense. Remember, no one controls how you are going to react. No matter what physical, emotional or mental thing happens to you, you are capable of forgiveness when you realize what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is a choice. It is the choice that you make to allow yourself to stop holding on to a reaction that you have chosen to maintain. You get to support a new reaction; a positive reaction. You forgive not for the other person, but for yourself.

What forgiveness is not:

• a form of manipulation to make another person feel sorry
• to force another person to change their behavior
• something that you do to another person

Forgiveness is the gift you give to yourself so that you can continue to express yourself in an honest way. You can forgive others and you can forgive yourself. People are not perfect and neither are you.

Not forgiving is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the person (and the situation, incident, happening) who has wronged you. You forgive so you can be well.

Two Words

There are just two words that can help most challenging situations. Well, in reality, there are three sets of two words each that I suggest you use throughout your life.

The Two Word phrases are these:

• I’m Sorry
• Thank You
• You’re Welcome

I’m Sorry are perhaps the most powerful two words in the english language. Say them with all the feeling your heart can convey – and mean it every time it is said out loud. The true power of saying (and meaning) that you are sorry is that the person you have communicated it to is now in power. Literal, the ball has now been kicked into the other persons court and they get to deal with it; they get to decide if acceptance and forgiveness is in order.

You are not saying “I’m Sorry” to be forgiven, but to offer the other person the ability to forgive. Always offer the other person this gift; and mean it.

Please remember this, being wrong it OK. Saying sorry and then doing what you can to “clean up your mess” is all that you have to offer.

Thank You and You’re Welcome go hand in hand. Always remember to thank others. Nothing others do for you  is a right that you can demand. You are in a position to demand nothing. Always remember that you have no rights and that no one owes you anything. Just as you show generosity to others, you must appreciate what others do for you. Thank people when they do something for you. Thank them and mean it.

You’re Welcome is the response to Thank You. It acknowledges the appreciation you have of someone else’s courtesy.

It’s that simple. These two-word phrases that are often said at the end of all else. Use the words often, they cost nothing and can mean so much when 1000 words would fall on deaf and empty ears.

Alexander, should I be gone to soon; I’m Sorry. Thank you for being the unique, beautiful human that you are. I love you.

Relationships

Relationships and Interactions

Every interaction you have with every other human being on this planet is; a relationship.

There are books written about this subject that would fill a library, perhaps libraries. Professional’s have dedicated their life to the pursuit of understanding what relationships are. I offer some boiled down observations to aid you with this area.

Relationships are everything that has to do with you coming into contact with anyone else. They can be the intimate relationship with a spouse or the casual relationship with the checker that you see every couple days at the grocery store or how you share time and space with co-workers (often more than people do with a spouse); AND they all follow the same rules.

Pay attention to relationships. They can make or break how you feel about many things. Relationships will be the part of your life that will make life worth living. Enjoy all those you come in contact with, even those who you think (or believe) may be unpleasant or painful. When all is said and done, we only have relationships to really indicate just how human our lives are.

Rules:

• Follow the  Two Rules
• Belief will be the open field where you can play or battle – but you choose
• You have no Control, except of yourself
• Perspective will largely shape how you see

Enjoy sharing the time you have with people who you interact with, whether for  a minute or a lifetime.

Control

Ah, what everyone wants is… Control

 

Here is the real secret. It is what most people figure out sometime between 35 and moments before they die… and sooner is better!

You don’t get to control anything – except for yourself. And the ability to realize that will be the biggest leap in mind control for the masses.

The Future

To control anything beyond yourself would require two things.

1. You would have to have the ability to alter other people’s minds
2. You would have to know the future

You can’t get into other peoples heads. No one can. You never, ever, really know what anyone is thinking – so you don’t know their motivations for behaving in any certain way. Simply, you have no control over others because they are running, like you, autonomously.

Even outside yourself, you have little control over even the physical things that we keep as our servants. Because you are driving your car, are you “in control”? That very control is an illusion; the road conditions, other drivers, the car that you are driving in are all subject to variations that in any one of a multitude of ways is able to demonstrate that you have no real control.

Lastly, for true control, you would need to be able to see into the future – to know the result of your decisions, actions and reactions. We simply cannot control things because of a constantly changing, unpredictable, dynamic future.

So what do you have left then? You have control in yourself.

You get to control this

• How you feel about things
• How you react to things
• What you do with all the input that comes into your head

That’s it. At the end of the day, you get to control the larger amount of what others wish they could control in themselves.

No one is responsible for controlling your happiness or sadness. You get to take charge of that area. You are in control of your emotions and what you do as actions and  reactions. You get to decide on your own beliefs, rules, thoughts and desires – and more.

The sooner you realize that most other people are running on the false belief that they are in control of things around themselves, the better you will be empowered to take control of the thing that they are missing – control (and responsibility) for yourself.

You alone are in control of who you are… enjoy it!

Change – Happens only because of one of two forces

This is about the one thing that nearly everyone questions in both themselves and anyone they are in a relationship with (or may just know). It is the subject of speculation, gossip, introspection, questioning – it is discussed as belief or truth and it is neither. It is the dark cave, the strike of lightening, the crack of a whip or the steady push of time that may cause focus on this.

Tired of where you are, who you are with, the habits you have or the life you are in? Want more love, money, happiness, less stuff, more stuff – then you sound like you may need a change.

Change is constant – but what happens when it is the subject of desire? What happens when it is the subject forced upon us?

Change, when it relates to an individual’s behavior, actions, belief, interactions, character requires motivation. People get very comfortable and change requires energy. People are lazy yet restless – they want change but do nothing for it. In fact, most people live a safe, quiet live desiring change and avoiding change in it’s two forces. Change with an individual happens because of only one of two forces:

• Strong External Force
• Strong Internal Force

Either External or Internal Force

That may seem obvious, change is either caused by something that happens to you OR because you want it. Notice the other words; strong and force. Most people want some change, but there is just not enough strong force to energize the change.

If there is something that you want to change in your life, about you or the circumstances you are in, it will require effort.

Here are two extreme examples.

1. You are not looking for a change BUT something from the outside (external) happens in your life that will bring about the questions of yourself and your life. The loss of a loved one, the plane crash that you survive, a bus trip where you meet someone, the island that you are marooned upon – all of these can change your life course, habits, behaviors. Unpredictable, strong external forces are the single largest motivator for people to apply change in their life.

2. You are looking for change and you must gather up the energy to apply it. This is the harder – internally driven – change. For this, you will need to plan, plot, prepare, dream, struggle and sweat to bring about. Most people are lazy and do not do this type of change BUT in the end it is always worth it. This is the change where you train for long distance riding or mountaineering or where you decide to pursue dating in an active fashion. This may be where you desire to move to a new location (hoping to take advantage of the external force) BUT you will need to dump in lots of internal energy. A change of scene does not make a change of self.

The difference between Internal Change and External Change is that in the first you have a goal and objective to meet for yourself and life; and in the second, things happen to you that you can use to effect change. Sometimes you set out to make a change and get lucky with things happening that allow you the change more effectively, with less effort.

One last trick – you don’t get to control this in others, read about Control. BUT you do get to control how you perceive what is happening and how you respond to it. Make changes that are positive.

Lesson – Belief

Alexander,

Everybody holds beliefs. Everybody believes in something, most often many somethings – and some of the beliefs may contradict each other.

A world view of Belief – and another, from the dictionary:

1. The mental act, condition, or habit of placing trust or confidence in another: My belief in you is as strong as ever.
2. Mental acceptance of and conviction in the truth, actuality, or validity of something: His explanation of what happened defies belief.
3. Something believed or accepted as true, especially a particular tenet or a body of tenets accepted by a group of persons.

 Beliefs can be founded in truth (another slippery slope), facts, proof – or – in dreams, wishes, thoughts and – well – other beliefs!

In every interaction you ever have, you will encounter beliefs that are not yours. Some beliefs will be founded on shadows and confidence thoughts. Know what your beliefs are and look to see what others are. If you are lucky in a  relationship (and read the page on relationships), they will share some of your beliefs.

Beliefs are the concrete that our very opinions and essence of our character are built in and backed with. Beliefs need not be based on fact, or truth, or clarity or anything in the real world – although they can be. Beliefs are what a person has decided to latch onto and captures in the bottle of the mind and soul.

What this really means is that belief can be nearly impossible to change or alter in a person. A person will stand on their beliefs, regardless of proof, facts, threats, pain or punishment. If a person is a believer, then little can change that belief - except themselves.

Here is the advice I offer you, because the concrete of belief can last a long time…

• Form your beliefs carefully
• Know that you can’t change other peoples beliefs – only they can
• Choose the people you are with by their beliefs (and other qualities)
• Believe in things as long as nessesary
• Be prepared to change your beliefs if nessesary (false belief can lead you over the edge of a cliff or in front of a train).

10 Commandments – Morals

This is not about religion, God or any sort of divine reward system or punishment. As a public proud Catholic, I have learned more about how to read and interpret the bible from Jewish friends (thank you) than I ever did from a priest. This is not about religion. The Dogma can be set aside.

Also see – Two Rules

Morals are what we use for social rules to help us all behave as we should to live in the tribal society that we are rooted in for 100′s of previous generations.

A Moral is – pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong. The key here is being able to identify right from wrong.

The real reason for morals is because we live in groups, social groups, which stemmed from roots in the tribal society. If we lived as isolated individuals, there would be little need for morals. Break the morals in a tribal society and you were punished in the most simple way - ostracization or death.

So what do the 10 commandments have to do with anything? They have basic moral rules for living together socially. Again, just removing the Dogma results in the rules that are essential tribal rules for social group co-existence. These very rules were formed to offer simple laws for all to follow.

These rules, jumbled together in varying combinations, form the 10 Commandments.

When you remove the rules that are used to perpetuate Dogma (and religion is a separate subject from social order), what you have left are the base rules for existence in a tribal society.

The Rules to live in society are easy:

1. Honor your parents – the family unit is held high.
2. Don’t kill others – Murdering a human being is a capital sin.
3. Don’t have sex with someone when you are in a marriage – or they are.
4. Don’t steal – and this also meant people.
5. Don’t gossip, lie, tell false stories about others.
6. Don’t take anything that is your neighbors – do not ‘desire’ your neighbor’s wife.

You can see how these rules would serve us in a tribal society – even before they were written into the bible.

So the morals are really simple.

• The Family is the important group in the tribe.
• If you kill, the tribe would kill you or ostracize you – simple.
• Bred with the one that you have agreed to bred with.
• Don’t take it if it is not yours – don’t take ANYTHING that is not yours.
• Don’t say things that are false or harmful, you all have to live together.

That’s it – you can live in the modern social tribe if you follow those rules.

The simpler version that offers social rules? I came up with years ago is this -  Two Rules … and they work great in all social groups, tribal society, modern living and relationships.